tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5393232.post71301200788955483..comments2023-11-02T07:43:27.252-07:00Comments on Biting Tongue: Who Owns Your Stories?Biting Tonguehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15770918200146334167noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5393232.post-31537860753767062122015-03-06T20:25:47.743-08:002015-03-06T20:25:47.743-08:00@Jen -- thanks for the advice. After talking abou...@Jen -- thanks for the advice. After talking about it with others, I think I've gotten comfortable with the idea that this truly was a failure on my part. There were discussions of open sharing of the story that I thought were *obviously* jokes, but it now seems clear that this wasn't as clear as I thought. I thought the group in the setting understood where funny ended and unfunny/uncomfortable for me started, but now that I have more context, I can totally understand how if you aren't in my head you don't know where this line is. It was a big learning lesson for me. I am almost certain that this same person, if I had been super clear about my lines would *never* have put me in this position. I just was cavalier and made assumptions, my husband egged people on (as he always does) and we ended up in a situation where I was mortified and others thought we were having a comfortably hilarious joke/discussion.<br /><br />C'est la vie.bthttp://bitingtongue.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5393232.post-6231035512534845812015-03-06T18:35:59.257-08:002015-03-06T18:35:59.257-08:00I'm a bit naive like you, in that I trust peop...I'm a bit naive like you, in that I trust people with stories and don't often think to say, "Hey, let's keep this between just the two of us, OK?" A couple of times, though, I've been the offending party, spreading gossip or stories that weren't mine, just for the sake of entertainment and inadvertently hurting people along the way. Those were tough lessons to learn, and I deeply regretted it. If you're close to the offending person, it might be worth it to bring up the subject and say, "You know what? I know you weren't trying to upset me, but I was." They might think twice about saying such things in a group setting next time.Jenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07691910446074747797noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5393232.post-32702667427916700752015-03-02T12:49:00.015-08:002015-03-02T12:49:00.015-08:00Ugh, ugh. I have never considered myself to be par...Ugh, ugh. I have never considered myself to be particularly old-fashioned when it comes to sexual mores, but I just don't think it's something we discuss outside of small groups of close friends. But you're right in that the world is not composed of people that I may safely assume to be just like me.<br /><br />I saw a funny bumper sticker a few years back that I still remember. It said, "It doesn't take all kinds, but we have all kinds."Arvayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02300309277462514252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5393232.post-35285033504030099572015-03-02T12:35:33.078-08:002015-03-02T12:35:33.078-08:00@Arvay -- I love that you got my back here. To be...@Arvay -- I love that you got my back here. To be fair, this person did not start with the jokes about me, they jumped in on what probably looked like good-natured fun to them. <br /><br />The topic they raised was one I'd discussed before in their presence, and in the presence of half of the attendees of the party. I can see how they may have thought it was open for discussion, despite simultaneously feeling like it was just *so* obviously *not* open for discussion if I wasn't the one to raise it. <br /><br />I agree that I don't like being the butt of jokes, but in some circles it's it's doled out evenly, as a type of bonding in a good-natured fashion. In those situations, I don't think it's actually rude. It may be a bit uncomfortable for me, but we all know I'm a big girl, and if I was truly uncomfortable, I'd ask them to stop. Which, in fairness, is exactly what I did in this case once it escalated and the subject was immediately dropped.<br /><br />RE: discussing someone else's sex life being rude: I do think there's much less general agreement on whether discussing someone else's sex life is generally considered rude. I think there is a belief that some hold which says that if something has been disclosed, it is free for re-disclosure. Obviously, I don't believe this. But, I have to live in the world amongst others, so it's good to understand how the norms may be different in different groups, and choose not to disclose when the receiver is unlikely to share my values/beliefs on privacy.bthttp://bitingtongue.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5393232.post-60479613164791948552015-03-02T12:21:23.234-08:002015-03-02T12:21:23.234-08:00Making someone else the butt of jokes is rude. Dis...Making someone else the butt of jokes is rude. Discussing someone else's sex life in any way, shape or form, is rude. If they don't realize they are being rude, they are still rude.Arvayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02300309277462514252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5393232.post-41200321354328908362015-03-02T11:15:00.531-08:002015-03-02T11:15:00.531-08:00Thanks, @Arvay and @AR. I truly believe this pers...Thanks, @Arvay and @AR. I truly believe this person was not in any way doing anything they thought was rude. I just hadn't realized where their lines were with disclosing other people's stories. <br /><br />To AR's point, I probably was going to have to learn this lesson at some point -- I have been very blessed with close friends and family who are very respectful of letting people tell their own stories. But that's not the norm. And this was actually a relatively painless way learn that lesson.bthttp://bitingtongue.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5393232.post-2774577044044705152015-03-02T11:10:49.134-08:002015-03-02T11:10:49.134-08:00I agree that the line tends to skew toward the you...I agree that the line tends to skew toward the young 'uns, given the blurring of public and private that social media has brought us, but I have learned this rather painful lesson through my interactions with various family members - all of whom are one generation older than me. I quickly learned to readjust my filters as a result. I agree with Arvay - this person is just rude.ARnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5393232.post-55167311207098508602015-03-02T10:47:34.084-08:002015-03-02T10:47:34.084-08:00Ouch. That person sounds rude, irrespective of age...Ouch. That person sounds rude, irrespective of age and the era of upbringing. I do respect and love about you that you are so intensely respectful of other people's privacy. JK and I have remarked on the same thing.Arvayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02300309277462514252noreply@blogger.com