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Biting Tongue
The swallowed words of a JD.
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Two Lessons Learned
1. If you accept staffing as the junior IP associate on a public merger that is scheduled to close in 5 days, you should expect to work straight through those 5 days, regardless of the silly "weekend" title.
2. If you have planned to make pumpkin gnocchi covered with elk-venison bolognese and you are late arriving home on the eve of your husband's birthday dinner due to issue #1, I suggest roasting the pumpkin at 400F for 35-40 minutes and slicing it on plates before covering it in bolognese. When push comes to shove, the time spent making the pasta by hand is the last 10% of the meal. It's the greatness. Don't get me wrong. It's the pinnacle. But when you are late enough, you have to accept that things have no possibility of reaching perfection in enough time to eat at a reasonable hour.
So the take home is that the meat sauce, that's 65-70% of the street cred right there. Don't skimp on the bolognese. Skimp on the vehicle for conveying bolognese. It will all be fine. Just open an extra bottle of wine.
Posted by bt 11.11.2006 23:09 --
Get Help If You Need It
I went to dinner last night with someone I met during my downward spiral.
She mentioned that while she didn't really know me, I had seemed a little "out of it" the last night we interacted. That would be the night before I started my 3 day crying binge. "Out of it" that night would be putting it mildly. I have never felt so helpless, lost, overwhelmed, and sad as I did during that time period.
This was my first time dealing with true depression. Before, I thought I'd been depressed, but really, I'd just had the blues. I now feel so horridly inept for all the things I ever said to people who were going through a similar experience. It was so much more overwhelming than I could have imagined before facing it. I can easily say it was the worst I've ever felt in my life. It was as if the bad feelings from the my Dad died, the day of my Dad's funeral, the day of my Grandfather's funeral, the days of bad childhood fights with my parents and every bad break-up I've ever been through all needed to be felt at the same time.
The good news is, I got help. I read books. I sought therapy. I let myself sit on the couch and cry for days on end, which is something I've never done. Apparently, I had a ton of sadness, guilt, negative thoughts and frustration that I needed to address. I even let myself be somewhat spontaneous and emotionally-driven with my career decisions. This is something I never would have done in the past. I always trusted logic and information over feelings. I thought feelings, other than love, were weak, and frankly, I trusted logic much more.
The emotional side of me rebelled and humbled me with its power and wisdom. For all the strength that I attribute to myself (which, for those who know me, strong is a word that I like to think describes me at my core), I was reduced to a sniveling, incapable, needy mess by my own emotions. So I guess that side of me is strong enough to subjugate my logical side when it needs to. It was very humbling.
But it didn't break me. The overwhelming negative feelings weren't permanent. I will still have negative feelings in the future, and I will have to face them. But the floodgate that released the torrent eventually slowed to a trickle. It forced me to make some decisions that eventually led to me being happier than I would have been had I not been emotional. And I am so thankful.
So please, if you are feeling sad, alone, overwhelmed, etc. or find yourself doing things that you feel are out of character, seek help. Nothing is permanent. This too shall pass.
Posted by bt 11.10.2006 07:46 --
For Me?
Today, on-site at a client's place of business, I had an interaction that reminded me of my not-even-remotely-politically-correct days at a few startups.
IT guy: I'm going to give you ethernet cables because I don't want to make you log into the VPN for wireless access.
BT & Male Associate: [looking up from stacks of papers] uh, okay. Cool. Thanks.
IT guy: [unwinds two ethernet cables, plugs one into the wall and tosses it on the table. Starts to unwind the second.]
Male Associate: [Plugs the cable into the back of BT's computer]
BT: oh. It goes in the back. Thanks.
IT guy: Actually, I've got a longer cable that I'd like to give to her instead.
BT & Male Associate: [Blink at each other at what may be a bad joke, but perhaps is just unfortunate phrasing. I was, after all, farther away from the ethernet jack.]
IT guy [slightly slimy voice, addressing male associate]: If you don't mind, that is.
I gotta say, while part of me is appalled, it was the most noteworthy thing that happened in my day. And, I've been laughing about it ever since. I mean, really? This stuff happens in the workplace?
Posted by bt 11.08.2006 21:20 --
Election Stew
I am embarassed to admit that I left the polling place this evening without voting.
It was chaos. They had run out of English paper ballots. 3 of the machines were down. They recommended that people go provisionally vote in nearby districts. The district in the building next door was making similar recommendations and sending people to our district. After about 30 minutes of observation and asking people who were leaving how long they had waited ("1h35 from where you are standing 'til now"), I looked at E and admitted the sad truth, "There isn't anything on this ballot that I believe in more than the stew I wanted to make for dinner."
So here you go. I'll make it next year too, only next year I'm going to remember to get my absentee ballot application in on time.
Fall Vegetable Stew
Step one: collect all the fall vegetables that are almost ready to be tossed.
2 small squash/pumpkins that were decorating the table for halloween etc. (toss 'em in the oven on broil while you make the soup base to soften the tough gourds)
1 half onion
5 cloves of garlic
olive oil
5 stalks of celery
4 yukon gold potatoes
1/2 cup pickled horseradish
Step two: make the soup base
Chop the onion. Peel the garlic. Chop the celery. Sautee all three in olive oil over medium heat until the onions are translucent. Add 1 large can of chicken broth (1 quart?). Bring to a boil and lower to a simmer.
Step three: chop autumn vegetables.
I don't think you need to be too picky here. Peel the squash & pumpkin if you like. Cut warmed & softened squash/pumpkins and remove the seeds. Chop into bite-sized pieces. I like big pieces, but E always spends the first half of the meal chopping his pieces into mini-pieces, so I'm willing to believe that there is room to disagree. Clean and chop or slice the potatoes. Same for carrots, cabbage, anything else you've got lying around that would go in stew. Toss 'em all in the broth along with the horseradish.
Step four: season to taste.
I added paprika, red pepper flakes, garam masala, & coriander.
Step five: cover and simmer 'til vegetables are tender (approximately 45 minutes)
Step six: allow to cool briefly and serve topped with grated swiss cheese.
Posted by bt 11.07.2006 22:06 --
If the phone rings one more time...
I'm gonna do something.
I can't WAIT 'til this election is over.
Stupid political exception to the do-not-call list.
Don't forget to vote tomorrow, kids.
Posted by bt 11.06.2006 19:44 --
Weekend in the Big City
E and I left the city for the suburbs years ago. The suburbs fit our personalities. And, I can't say that the 20 minute commute is something that I don't silently gloat about at work -- the majority of the lawyers I work with live in The City while working in The Valley. I feel their pain because I was ridiculed for doing the opposite while a student. My fellow students went out for bar nights while I sat in the commute. They slept while I drove to AM class. It was their turn to be the efficient ones. But, for the most part, when you compare me against 1st and 2nd-year associates in the valley, I'm continuing my role as an anomoly. I *gasp* choose to live on the *peninsula* just a few towns short of the perceived cultural wasteland of the South Bay. Mind you, I think they are wrong. I think there is just as much culture on the peninsula and in the south bay if you know where to look. But, then again, I'm biased.
Anyways, the merits of the peninsula and the south bay are not the point of this post.
This post is all about our San Francisco weekend. Every once in a while, we revert to our youthful San Franciscan high-rent, no-parking, angstier and more-cultured than thou days and spend a weekend in the city. It's always fun, nostalgic, and reminds us that there are many reasons why SF is considered the best city in the world by many (If it weren't for the fog and the artier-than-thous, I'd probably agree.)
So, this weekend, we did the whole shebang. It was awesome.
Saturday, we drove to the city and ate ourselves silly on Dim Sum. It was delicious. MG and V introduced us to Shanghai pork steam rolls for the first time. Soup! In a steam roll! Engineering at its finest, I tell you. Good thing they went to China last year -- better living through your friends' travels -- it's something I do my best to embrace whenever possible. Plus, we got to love the uncomfortable reality of being in the backdrop of what was slowly becoming someone's Wedding Buffet while wanting to continue eating at a restaurant that honestly scheduled the wedding set-up and Dim Sum hour close enough that you could be *that* table. And we were.
From there, I dropped E at the new Bloomingdale's portion of the Market & Powell Mall to buy us tickets to Borat. I drove towards Fisherman's Wharf where I couldn't find parking, so I filled the car with gas at the station across the street and and ran across to pick up my race packet for today's half marathon.
Borat was sold out before E could buy tickets. Story of our lives in SF -- never quite fast enough on the cool kids' draw. We're valley folk (dorky, nerdy, and wanna be cool...).
So, instead, we went to the Japanese Tea Garden. It was wonderfully relaxing and decadent to be a tourist in our own region. We volunteered to take pictures of the Fijian family. We smiled at the Spanish group with their Castilliano accents. We drank strong green tea and tried not to eat snacks. We failed and were full before dinner.
For dinner, we met friends at a delicious and small word-of-mouth-only vegan sushi joint in the Mission (the 4 of them stuck to veggie fare, E and I like fish, thank you very much). The vegan eel substitute was good, although it didn't taste anything like Eel, not that the vegans would know.
From there, we had a drink with friends at their home in SF and drove home so I could sleep before today's race.
Today, I had high hopes of being fast. Last weekend, I ran a leisurely 2h10 at the Silicon Valley Half marathon. I figured I had tons of juice to spare. My hopes were dashed when I parked 2 minutes after the start. I sprinted to the start line and breathlessly ran my chip over the start and hit begin on my garmin. My garmin never even had a chance to sync with the satellites, so my garmin functioned as the world's largest stop-watch. I never had a chance to intelligently plan my race after sprinting to the start for 3/4 of a mile. At the end, I ran 1h57ish according to my watch.
This year's race hurt (physically) much less than last year's. But I also had much less humility. I honestly thought 1h50 was a reasonable goal. When you are 2 miles out at 1h37 and exhausted with uphill miles in front of you, it becomes VERY clear that you are an idiot for thinking 1h50 was gonna happen.
So, while I'm not in as much pain as last year, my pride hurts. I really would have liked to clear 1h55 and think I should try to do that before my marathon. Whatever. I ran across the bridge on both sides. I ran through the Presidio. I enjoyed some of the most gorgeous views that our wonderful city by the bay can offer. So I'm content.
And I can't wait for next year. Weekend of City Happiness -- HERE I COME.
Posted by bt 11.05.2006 21:01 --
In a pattern
I am a creature of schedules. Of regularity. Of discipline.
I was shocked to realize I didn't have to be anywhere until 9 AM tomorrow, and even that was a soft limit.
Woo hoo.
Celebration.
Then I remembered the appointment I'd scheduled.
Damn it. I can't wait 'til my new toy gets here and I can have one calendar instead of this bastardized two-calendar system I've got going on right now. Turns out the old Zaurus is getting ready to go to pasture and I'm slowly migrating my calendar to big, bad, outlook.
Yeah. I see what I've become. I get it. I still want my damn phone to arrive.
Posted by bt 11.02.2006 23:08 --
Choco-riffic recipe #1
The first chocolate attempt was Toffee-Chocolate Candy, for halloween.
I was exhausted on Monday night, but I forced myself to make Toffee because I knew it would be worth it. To do so, I dragged my post 3-hour-from-scratch-white-bean-soup and 1-hr-of-yoga while the soup cooked butt back into the kitchen after dinner. I was in search of chocolate happiness. And I found it. I even fucked the recipe up pretty royally. But it's sugar and butter and vanilla and chocolate. And I took it to our friends where 6 of us ate dinner, drank wine and champagne, heckled and/or got sappy over the trick-or-treaters, and enjoyed toffee and pumpkin bars. So it was fabulous.
Fucked Up Toffee-Chocolate Candy
6 oz semisweet chocolate (I used Hershey's -- is it just me, or is it wrong that they have a "solution center?"), chopped
6 oz bittersweet chocolate (I used 72% cacao Sharffen Berger), chopped
1 oz bitter chocolate (99% Sharffen Berger), chopped (I added this because I LOVE dark chocolate and 50/50 semisweet/bitter just didn't seem right with all the sugar in the toffee).
1 cup unsalted butter
1/4 cup water
1 tsp light corn syrup
1/2 tsp. kosher salt
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 cup pecans, chopped
1. Put all the chocolate chopped goodness in a bowl and mix it together, let it soften near the stove while you cook.
2. Put a bowl of water and a pastry brush by the stove so that when the toffee starts to crystalize on the edges you can brush it with water to reabsorb the sugar.
3. Apparently, you're supposed to combine the butter, sugar, water, corn syrup and salt over medium heat. I put my 1/4 cup of water in the bowl mentioned in #2. I also added the vanilla at this stage. My toffee ended up very buttery and slightly granular. I suspect the missing water is at least partially to blame for this.
4. You're supposed to slowly stir this concoction over medium heat until your candy thermometer measures 300F. Well, I've only got a meat thermometer and it tops out at 190F. So, I just kind of winged it, when it started to be this viscous liquid that wouldn't drip from the spoon and most of the butter was absorbed by the stubborn sugar, I poured it into a 9X11 baking pan. (For those of you that follow directions, you would do this at 300F, when the toffee is brown, approximately 18-20 minutes after you put the mixture on the stovetop. Also, you'd wait 'til just before pouring it to add the vanilla).
5. Tilt the pan 'til the toffee covers the pan evenly. My version had quite a bit of butter grease at the extremeties, but it was evenly covered and the sugar mixture that hardened on the spoon was damn good, so I wasn't too upset.
6. Layer the chocolate on top of the toffee and cover 'til the chocolate is melted. Spatula to an even layer, sprinkle with pecans and let it cool.
7. My version needs to be frozen to have the consistency of toffee candy. Otherwise it's a little soft, but still delicious.
Posted by bt 11.01.2006 19:58 --
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