October 25, 2006


Last week, I was in the self-indulgent, unemployed, read self-help books, sleep-in, cry whenever the hell I feel like it, watch movies, pseudo-depressed-but-really-more-self-obsessed, what-the-fuck-is-up-with-my-life? mode.

This is not something BT has ever been before. Multiple hours were spent in therapy discussing why I haven't indulged in this mode in the past, how it is healthy, what's been stopping me, why it's uncomfortable but necessary at this point in my life, yadda-yadda-yadda.

At dinner the other day, an acquaintance (wife of one of E's friends) was taken aback when I explained that, no, I wasn't working, and the reasons why (kind of had a little break down, needed some time to reevaluate my life priorities, etc.). I, after hours of reading self-help books, crying, watching sad movies about people who've been through much worse and suffered much more, didn't think much of my revelation. She, however, responded, "Oh, BT, I'm sure you're exaggerating. I can't even imagine you being remotely out of control, much less 1/4 of the mess you just described."

And there my friends, though I can't quite understand why or how, lies the rub.

So, now I'm back at work and back in the swing too. I LOVE IT. I really do. In addition to starting work, it was like this major ass-kicking energy hit the rest of me as well. I finally started doing the basic life stuff I haven't touched for lack of time or lack of motivation. I made a dentist appointment, found a new doctor, called on transferring my medical records (doctor that I love had the nerve to retire!), made an appointment to see new doctor, made an eye doctor appointment, booked flights for the holidays, planned our spring vacation and made plans to see people besides the friends that were willing to put up with me over lunch during my 3 weeks of self-indulgent lunches with friends.

All of a sudden, after starting work when I'm ready to do so, I feel so alive, so full of energy, so pulled in so many directions, so ready to prove my ability to cover so many foxholes, so, so, so, so....

But, according to E, I'm a little ADHD right now. Or maybe much more than a little, but he's from the South, and very polite, you see, so he'd never say exactly how much more than a little the lot truly is. But me, I'm from California, and right now, I can't follow a conversation long enough to do calendar for the both of us the week (while looking at the damn calendar, mind you!). That shit pisses me off but also amuses me. I'd prescribe myself some medication if I was my parent right now. Gotta check out this link, think about this thing, discuss this other thing, yadda-yadda-yadda.

Because I'm an adult and not on ritalin, I get to observe this sub-mania. It's weird. I think I must have always operated at this level of high-strung. Returning to this energy level feels very comfortable. And yet, after the self-imposed slow down, I'm having trouble with something. Perhaps it's just a bit too much? Maybe this is my new self's way of saying hey, BT, watch it. Slow down. Just a bit. Your previous ridiculousness is most likely not sustainable even if you felt like a superstar while pulling it off in the past.

Moderation? Anyone?

Of course, then I think of the famous quote, "All things in moderation. Especially moderation." And, I should look that up...who said that? I bet I'd like to read their writings....

No comments: