Weight of the World

My life is very heavy right now. Full. Almost bloated. I overflow with all emotions: sadness, guilt, grief, happiness, elation, amazement, and more.

Funerals. Parties. Dinners with friends and family. Good memories of Dad that make me cry. Uncomfortable conversations with extended family resulting from his death and the reality that many more are to come. Time with E where it fits and guilt that there is not more. A new career that begins shortly. A possible passing bar score balanced against the very real reality that I, like many noble warriors, may be asked to attempt to slay that dragon once again.

I leave for vacation soon. It is absolutely necessary. I look forward to my normal, lighter life like a dream. I am excited for its return and hope that I can appreciate it at a level that I never did before.

Homecoming

Tonight, I'm home in my own home for the first night in over 3 weeks after what I thought would be a weekend away. I've got some observations.

I *really* miss sleeping in my own bed with my own husband. I wanted to go to bed and fall asleep immediately upon arrival. Too bad it was 3 PM.

I missed my sonicare more than I would have thought. Just brushed my teeth, and *damn*...

Gangs of New York is the perfect excuse to sit on your own couch for hours on end. Literally. Hours. Like 5. Or, if you are us, and take breaks, 6. Note, much to E's surprise, this is *not* about gangs in New York in the '80s. If you think it is, you will be quite surprised.

The local sushi joint is oddly comforting. Overwhelmingly comforting. It made me cry.

It really is funny how much of a planner I am and how much life goes out of its way to make it clear that I should not be. Yet still, I persist. I'm cartoonish in my stubborness.

Today's Treasures

Today was a productive day. But at the end of it all, I was agitated. Many of the details associated with a loved one's death are painful and stressful.

At 6 PM, my sister and I met my mother for pedicures. I sat there, anxious, while my feet soaked in the water and the chair massaged me. All of a sudden, a feeling of peace washed over me.

I *had* to let it go. I was getting a pedicure. What was the point if I couldn't enjoy it? This is life. If I can't enjoy a pedicure, I'm not doing a good job of being alive. Slowly, with each massaging motion of the chair and with each little bit of work on my feet that transformed them from ugly to cute, I relaxed. I smiled. I was happy.

I was happy I could be happy. Plus, my feet look MUCH better.

I think it is not an exaggeration to say that I had a spiritual awakening of sorts in the pedicure chair today. Silly. But true. I feel more awake. I feel more at ease with the world and all of its harshness. Bad things happen. But so do pedicures.

As a bonus, I made a food discovery. I asked the salon owner if there was any good vietnamese food in my very suburban hometown. Here in whitey-ville, I'm surrounded by friends and family and I'm where I'm supposed to be given all of the stuff I need to be handling. But, I can't help craving the culinary diversity of my more metropolitan life in the bay area.

Imagine my shock when she informed me that there was a new vietnamese restaurant that had just opened and that it was *good*. Sis and I took Mom to experienc pho for the first time tonight. We followed the advice of the salon owner and discovered a delicious vietnamese deli/grocery/restaurant. Still in the euphoria of the pedicure, I savored the whole experience as divine intervention and enjoyed my meal to the fullest.

All in all, I'm finding this process surprising. I find deep sorrow in surprising nooks and crannies where I least expect it. And, I find comfort in equally strange places.

Recollecting Myself

My dad passed away. As per his wishes, we threw one hell of a party. Now, I'm spending time with my brother, sister and E as well as all of the supportive friends and family as we slowly deal with all of the details.

There are many things to take care of, and most of it is very personal and private, so I expect to be fairly quiet on the blogfront for a while.

However, I plan to post about the lighter things to remind myself to relish them, to laugh, and to enjoy life even in this time of pain.

So, the first happy thing I have to post is that brother, sister and I are going on a vacation away from home together for the first time in at least 15 years. (E is coming as well.) We're going to relax, deep sea fish (we expect dad to pull some strings and get us some good fish), and enjoy our memories before we finish packing up all of dad's things and move everything out of his house.

Second, on an even lighter note, E and I made reservations at The Madonna Inn for one of our trips around the state to deal with everything. While there, we will be taking advantage of the waterfall shower in our very kitschy room. Unfortunately, the cave man room is booked 6 months to a year in advance, so we'll be spending the evening in slightly lessor splendor. Regardless, it's going to be memorable.

New Frying Pan

The bar is over.

Daddy is sick.

I'm at the hospital.

He had the stubborness to wait 'til after the bar, after my birthday, and after a good visit where he appeared to be in improving health and we could all laugh together to get sick.

I can't believe how strong the power of human will is when it comes to pushing back the forces that eventually overtake us.

I'm also overwhelmed at the strength of my father's love for me.

I think I'm going to be MIA from blogland for a while.