A Moment of Thanks
E is home almost every night that I am at home. His work rarely requires overnight travel, and even when he opts to go out late with the boys, he likes to come home to sleep (albeit early in the next morning).
I know this is a blessing, and something for which I should be very thankful. But, like most good things in life, it takes a loss for you to truly appreciate how much you enjoy, depend upon, and benefit from the thing that's usually there.
So, tonight, E is away from home for work. He's got a conference that starts at the ass-crack of dawn tomorrow, so he's staying the night near the conference and he left before I came home from work.
I took the opportunity to stay home alone, catch up on some work, do laundry, and enjoy the silence of the house.
Unfortunately, I had less work than I expected tonight. So, I'm almost done with the laundry. I've called a good friend I normally don't get to speak with during the week and caught up. I've culled the unworn clothes from my closet and organized my clothes for the first time in at least a year. And, truly, now that I'm done with all of this, I'm lonely. I'm looking for more tasks to attack, because I'm quite productive in my effort to stave off the loneliness.
I'm used to having E around. The noises he makes. The comfort his breathing brings to me while we silently sit in the office and work on our respective computers. Even just this simple one night without him (I honestly can't remember the last time I spent a night at home without him), and I feel like something huge is missing from my life.
I can't help but be amazed at how this happened. There was a time when I would have counted "fierce independence" among my most strong character traits. And yet, now, somehow, I've become someone who is very comfortable with, nay, even craves, intertwinedness, interdependence, and a shared life.
Rather than be frustrated with my evolution, I'm so thankful to share my life with someone who (i) wants to share their life with mine; and (ii) is able to do so. I've been told by friends who do not have this luxury that I should be very thankful. And I knew I should -- but tonight, I feel much closer to understanding just how blessed I have been.
Life is a strange and fascinating process.