October 10, 2006

New Shit Has Come To Light

Look, man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?

--The Dude

Numismatics is a word I've never heard or seen before today. But Daddy left us some old coins, and as executor, I've got to go get 'em valued for the estate. I'm guessing most of 'em will be worth approximately 3% more than face value, but it's a fun little adventure nonetheless. I bought the blue book and am sorting through the collection. I doubt there will be anything amazing, but the history and the monotony of sorting are balm to my soul.

You don't go out and make a living dressed like that in the middle of a weekday.

Okay, you got me, I'm more or less unemployed at the moment. I didn't announce my self-imposed unpaid leave from work when I took it, but I figure my posting should clue you in. I'm not exactly living the life of a new associate.

I needed more time to mourn. I needed more time to sort out my priorities so that I could commit myself to the practice of law at the level that my job will require. I needed more time to handle the details of my dad's estate. I just needed more time. I tried to ignore this reality by sticking to the timeline I set back in August and more or less had a miniature breakdown when I arrived to find that (*gasp*) things had actually *changed* at the firm between when I accepted their offer and when I started.

I paid attention to that warning sign -- I should have been able to handle the changes. When I realized that I wasn't dealing rationally with them, I made the difficult decision to walk into my supervising partner's office after 1 week of work to ask for some time off.

It's my life. And I needed to recover from it. I wasn't ready to do good work and I owe it to myself to do good work. I also owe it to those for whom I work. Thankfully, they understood, because I was ready to quit if they didn't.

It turns out, at least some law firms are staffed by attorneys that are human. Everyone I spoke with at the firm recognized that I'd been through quite a bit in the last year and they appreciated my honesty with myself and them about my capacity to do quality work. They all supported my decision.

So here I am. Unemployed, more or less. Taking time to heal even though it's not the best thing for my career. I'm okay with the fact that I'm the one that stopped showing up at the firm after orientation week. Let 'em say what they are gonna say. I know why I'm here.

I stay home. I read books on mourning on the couch in my pajamas. I cry. I go to lunch with friends. I work out. I cook. Each day, I handle a few details of the estate and the load gets lighter. Finally, 2 months after my father's death, I'm taking time to take care of myself emotionally.

As someone who never put much stock in emotional intelligence, I'm amazed at how much I needed this. It took a breakdown to get me to do this. How smart my emotions were to force my hand. I can only imagine what I'd be like if they hadn't.

So, yeah. Numismatics & Recognizing that my gut may know a thing or two that my logic can't figure out...

Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new shit, so uh, you know, but that's what you pay me for.

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