I am, you see, what some would refer to as wound up. Overly protective. I'm an introvert who often successfully masquerades as an extrovert. But even at my most extroverted, I have to think about the majority of the things I communicate before I let them go free. I'm often jealous of the spontaneous joy and sadness that my extroverted friends express in public.
But. I do not work that way. For the most part, I like to think about how I feel before I express it.
Which is why this whole spill my guts about the bar on the blog thing is weird. Often, I'm expressing my thoughts and feelings before I've had a chance to fully process them. I find my response to the bar is very human, the way I write about it on the blog.
I read my posts to see that I am being selfish. That I am focused on me and my life to the exclusion of humor or the news. I'm overly concerned with details that won't matter in the future and I'm talking about them. I'm silly. I over-react. I'm not thinking enough. I'm boring. And what I write doesn't sound like how I want my words to sound.
I'm sure this is a combination of many things (what I'm doing with my life on a daily basis isn't how I'd like to spend it, stress, and the fact that my filters aren't on when it comes to bar posts, to name a few...).
Regardless, I think one of the hardest things about the bar study period is that it brings out some of your worst qualities. On top of everything else. Who needs to deal with their failings as a human in the middle of this mess?
Oh. Right. That's how we grow into better people. Fun. Please excuse me while I go grow some more.