June 24, 2006

Why, hello there

My internal buddhist monk has been fairly silent these days. Occasionally, he grins at me from his lotus position while I'm baking as my study break (this week's madeira cake with reisling soaked blueberries, nectarines and plums was a big hit.) But, for the most part, he avoids the barbri buildings.

Imagine my surprise when he briefly showed up during the practice MBE and felt the need to speak.

[BT turns page]

Law-talkin' BT: Oh, thank goodness. Question 185. Only 15 more and this will be all over. I can go home.

[BT excited at the prospect of being done]

Monk BT: You know. This *is* your life. You chose it. You're not getting another one. Do you really want to wish your time away like that? *Live* this experience.

Law-talkin' BT: [grudgingly, but knowing the monk is right] O.K. I'll try.

I told E about it last night. I was impressed by the power of my philosophical self to break through the bar ridiculousness and remind me about the important realities of life. It was damn hard to fully immerse myself in the moment while doing multiple choice questions, but I did try.

Thank goodness the monk sat quietly meditating in the corner and left me to my insanity 'til I only had 15 questions left. I don't know if I could have kept up the fullly aware approach to the bar for much longer. It was exhausting -- the nature of the exam, what it represents, the stress of the other people in the room, my stress, the heavy breathing of the guy with the cold, the characters in the questions, their actions....phew. I wish I could say I did better on those last 15 questions than the rest. But no. I did slightly worse than my average overall. Approximately what you'd expect at the end of a long day of testing.

E and I both agreed that it would probably be best if my inner Buddhist monk could keep his philosophical points to a minimum during the actual Bar Exam. He's useful when I need to calm down or change perspective, but he demands attention in a way that can be quite distracting.

This *is* my life, monk. You are right. Feel free to visit during studying, lectures, and even practice exams. But, if you don't mind, I'd like to do the actual bar exam in a way that this madness is only one 2.2 month period of my life. That may require me to avoid the full awareness. I'm just not there yet. Cut me some slack.

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