The Hot and Cold of It

So, this storm we've got now, is crazy.

On our way back into the house after dinner and movies with bro at the hospital last night, E and I looked up at the orange-grey sky, listened to the hissing and howling wind, and locked eyes before quickly hustling inside. The primal instinct for shelter is strong, even out here in Northern California, where if you live too long, you'll be soft (or so the saying goes).

Last night, our heater did its job. Loudly. Intermittently. But it kept us warm and we felt grateful.

This morning, despite the muffled sounds of the gas flame going on and off and the fan pushing the wonderful hot air through our ducts, I woke before my alarm to the crashing sound of the extremely strong pounding rain. And after examining the alarm clock, I admitted that I should just rise, because the extra 30 minutes trying to go back to sleep would do me no good.

So, I sat in traffic on the freeway in rain that was harder than rain I'd seen in a long time, and in October no less.

E informed me that our laundry-room flooded. He had to climb to the roof and unplug the downspout in the pouring (seriously, like a pitcher) rain. Thankfully, it worked.

Finally, this afternoon, it calmed.

And Northern California, as a whole, is probably better off than it would be had the storm not come. Yes, there were floods, and deaths, and destruction. But water is a source of life, and we were quite low on it up here...

To celebrate, I made salsa verde (because I am a canning maniac...):



Also, in case you were wondering, you can buy 2 lbs of tomatillos at Safeway for $2/lb. Or, you could do what we did this year and grow 0.5 lbs of tomatillos and aunt molly's husk tomatoes including 4 months of work and fertilizer and automatic watering and staking. Yeah... there will be no husk tomatoes in our garden next year. The salsa verde was delicious, but it was 80% purchased tomatillos.

Not to mention, despite the cold outside, the heat of the boiled sauce exploded through the top of our non-air/liquid-tight blender and scalded my left hand. Not a little bit, to be honest. It still hurts an hour later, it's still red, I iced, and I've got it in a towel dipped in cold water but it still feels hot...so, now I've got a constant throbbing heat to contrast with the cold of the storm outside...



In short. We are living with many different temperatures these days. Heat of burns and boiling and canning. Cold of rain and the hail I heard hit my office today. Crazy October weather -- sometimes, Indian Summer, and sometimes, this...

Our lives are not our own...

Remnants of the Summer Garden

Early this week, I had a cold. So, quite reasonably, brother banned me from visiting. Instead, once I felt better but still had the sniffles, I started to transition the summer garden to the winter garden (while sneezing -- have I mentioned I'm allergic to dust? Yeah... gardening makes perfect sense...).

Due to the end of the tomato plants, we have green tomatoes that didn't quite ripen. We selected 2 pounds of the biggest firmest beauties for deep fried slices sometime this week. So, now, we're just trying to figure out what to do with the rest. We are evaluating between Arvay's Chow-Chow, or our friend S's aunt's pickled green tomatoes, or dilled green tomatoes, but we certainly have enough:



Tonight, after a day at the hospital with bro, I let off some steam (literally) by canning okra pickles, green tomato pickles, cucumber pickles (3 different styles), eggplant pickles, tomato sauce, and just good old-fashioned skinned tomatoes (sorted by color). So far, we are pleased with the results:



And finally, in "oh-happy-day" news, we have lots of sprouts in our flat from the winter gardening class at Love Apple Farm:



Other than that, I must admit, there is very little to report.

Indian-inspired Eggplant and Okra

-1/2 lb okra, washed and sliced into 1 cm or thinner rounds
-4 small japanese eggplants, sliced into 1 cm rounds and quartered (or chopped)
-1 white onion, chopped
-2-3 sliced jalapenos
-1 t cumin seeds
-1 T ground turmeric
-1 t ground cumin
-1 t habanero garlic powder (feel free to sub chili powder plus garlic powder, or better yet, a couple cloves of garlic minced and added to be sauteed with the onions, I was just lazy)
-1 t ground coriander
-1 t ground curry powder
-2 T vegetable oil
-1 T dark sesame oil
-2 T slow-roasted tomatoes oil (aka, pre-cooked olive oil with spices of choice and tomato drippings... if not available use olive oil or whatever strikes your fancy)
-3 small tomatoes, chopped (feel free to sub a can of stewed tomatoes, I'm sure it would be fine)
-2 T sea salt

1. Heat vegetable oil and sesame oil over medium-high heat and add onions. Sautee briefly and then mix in all dry spices. Cook onions 'til almost translucent and enjoy the aromatic blend.

2. Add okra, sliced jalapenos, and sea salt, stir and cook for 3-5 minutes. Add eggplant. Stir and continue to cook 'til okra is tender and breaks with a spoon. Lower heat to medium/low.

3. Add tomatoes the tomato oil and continue stirring (or, if missing, the can of stewed tomatoes and/or olive oil until the appropriate level of moisture is reached).

4. Stir and continue to cook on medium low until eggplant can be easily pierced in half with a spoon.

5. Turn off and remove from heat. Continue to stir and serve shortly thereafter. Enjoy!

The Big Things

I came home to receive an email where a very close friend let me know that a very close loved one of theirs died today.

So sad. So okay to do whatever it is that humans need to do in the face of such pain.

Similarly, I have several friends who are in the middle of tried-for pregnancies that are going as healthily as could be expected.

So joyous. So understandable why the world is so happy and wonderful for them at this time.

There is life, and there is death. And, in the middle, do we really have any problems? Perhaps the middle is really nothing more than balancing the celebration of life against the fear and hope that we can stave off death, either for ourselves or for our loved ones. But problems? Is this struggle really a problem?

Who knows?

Oh, Happy Day of Rest

Sunday is the day that brother gets to rest at the spinal cord rehabilitation facility. He's on a 6-day a week rehab plan. Apparently, they are much more strict than the other two facilities where he's been up until now, and while he's grumpy at their strictness, he's also doing much better.

The day of rest means his friends, family (including his daughter -- yay niece-time!) can come to visit and hang out without him being exhausted from medical treatments and physical therapy. Since he isn't exhausted, unlike most nights when I arrive and have to wake him, he gets to be alert and spend the day hanging out and showing off.

Today, the amount of improvement he displayed since last Sunday is so dramatic that I almost can't believe it -- it's such a large change to have him moved from the Skilled Nursing Facility (basically the ICU) to the rehab floor -- they really work him down there. I was so impressed, that I can't wait to see what next Sunday's show-off skills might be!

Saturday, while brother was in therapy all morning, sister took me to my birthday present: the winter gardening class at Love Apple Farm. It was awesome. I spent the whole morning grinning about the classroom and listening to lectures and demonstrations at the farm while my sister was right there with me. We kept hearing and seeing things that made us happy and looking at each other with huge grins. I took 10 pages of notes, and we each sowed a flat of winter vegetables (which I can't wait to watch germinate!!!). I followed the class with a trip to the nursery with E2 to buy transplants of the winter vegetables I want to plant where it's too late to start 'em from seed. Next weekend, I'll be pulling out more of the garden and putting in the transplants. What a great present!

Also, Cynthia informed me that I should harvest my winter squash now. So I did:



That would be the ridiculous fruits from one butternut squash plant grown from seed that took over our patio and fence, two acorn squash plants grown from seed that never really took off, and two orange kabocha transplants that Cynthia donated to our garden at the Tomato Masters Class that were planted fairly late in the season.

I think we've got enough winter squash to get fairly far into the spring, don't you?

In other news, the summer harvests are truly starting to die down now:



After tonight, assuming the process goes as planned, we will have saved all the tomato seeds we should need for next year (coupled with the new arrivals scheduled to come with Knapp's paste tomato mix pack).

My day of rest?

It started, in truth, with my birthday present on Saturday. After the nursery diversion, we went to E2 & J's where they served us a delicious dinner of pork chops in a mustard-bacon sauce over collard greens:



Then, I took the luxury of going to bed at 10:15 PM (I was proud to make it to the double digits) and I slept all night -- an amazing luxury I hadn't had in at least 10 days, I woke early without a computer or access to my email, and did light easy yoga, drank coffee, went for a walk, and eventually sped up to a gloriously beautiful 8 mile run on the cliffs of Santa Cruz and Capitola with E2, then a late morning shower, a huge brunch at a Santa Cruz institution, and a trip to the hospital to do the day of rest afternoon on the sunny patio with brother, his friends, E, sister, and my neice.

From there, as a bonus, sister and I got to go look at wedding dresses for her in the late afternoon. EVERYTHING looks amazing on her. EVERYTHING! I have no idea how she will choose, but it will be gorgeous.

And now, finally, I'm home. Relaxed. I did the harvest. I took out 1/4 of the plants that need to come out for the winter garden. I'm keeping the transplants alive and the seedlings to germinate moist. I'm hiding from the week of work that is looming ahead.

In short, I had a wonderfully pleasant day of rest that was full of good news and celebration. And I am thankful. If Monday morning's approach could slow, I would not complain.

In which we get our kitchen back

We celebrated the return of the kitchen with a night of preparing not only minestrone (see previous post), but also more tomato sauce, and slow roasted tomatoes.



We know we will appreciate the effort when we thaw the sauce or the leftover soup this winter (and we're already enjoying the slow-roasted tomatoes). Plus, we were loathe to let one of the last harvests we'll see this year go to waste:



I've posted several pictures of the *before* of E preparing his mother's slow-roasted tomatoes recipe, because it's so pretty. But, I haven't yet posted pictures of the (almost) final product. It ain't pretty, but damn is it tasty. We're supposed to toss them with pastas, use them as garnish, etc. but often we just eat them as snacks before they can make it into a proper meal:



As for the tomato sauce, my European friend, V, emailed to let me know that the Italians she knows always put a tablespoon of sugar in their sauce. And since our first attempt was too acidic, I thought it might be a good thing to try:



We now have 3 different batches of tomato sauce in the freezer. We shall not want for fresh tomato flavor this winter!

The Pig is a Magical Mythical Animal

Last weekend, we went to a German restaurant with D&K. After a light appetizer of baked brie covered in butter (mmmm....), and a complimentary cup of potato-based chowder followed by a salad, our main courses arrived. In particular, E's order of Schweinehaxen arrived at the table with a deep thud.

As a German acquaintance commented when E spoke of what he had ordered later, "That is quite a piece of meat." E made a valiant effort, but there was much meat and skin left on the bone when he called the battle. So, I promised to take the leftovers and make minestrone.




I hadn't made a proper minestrone since I lived in Italy, actually. And now I can't imagine why I waited so long. It was delicious. It keeps well for leftovers, and I made so much that we were able to freeze half of it for delicious mid-winter thawing!

Spicy Early Fall Minestrone

-1 white onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-4 pieces of bacon, chopped
-1/2 schweinehaxen
-1 can kidney beans
-3 pimiento d'espellette peppers from the garden (which are getting stronger in the late season, and now taste like medium strength jalapenos), sliced into thin rounds
-1 lb small yellow and green summer squash (the tail end of the harvest for the year), washed and chopped into rounds
-1 lb carrots, washed and chopped into rounds
-4 cans chicken broth, 4 cups or more water
-1 lb macaroni noodles
-1 small can tomato paste
-rosemary, sage, thyme, and basil from the garden to taste
-grated hard cheese (optional)

1. Brown bacon
2. Add onions and garlic and cook a few minutes
3. Add broth, beans, schweinehaxen, and herbs and enough water to cover, cook for 10 minutes
4. Add carrots, peppers, and tomato paste cook for 10 minutes, add more water if necessary to keep everything covered
5. Remove the bone and chop the meat and remove the skin/fat before returning the meat chunks to the pot.
6. Add macaroni and more water if necessary, cook 'til noodles are almost done, stirring regularly.
7. Add summer squash, cook for 5 minutes.
8. Remove from heat, serve immediately and top with grated hard cheese (pecorino was fabulous) if you like.

Enjoy!

Us v. the House

In the last two weeks, we've had the heating element in the oven go out, and the kitchen sink outflow plumbing completely fail (read: no dishwasher, no rinsing of anything, basically, instantaneous kitchen shut-down). Combine this with a moderately busy lawyer schedule, E's start-up, a brother in the hospital, and general life stuff... and well, we've been eating out a bit.

I suspect the house may have harbored some reservations about the modifications we have been discussing. There will be some major changes in the near future. Some of them, like the hardwood floors, were already in the works (in fact, brother was supposed to install the floors the week after the accident...).

But others, like wall removal, doorway widening, and ramps instead of level changes -- I can see why the house was probably a little bit scared and chose to hit us where it could hurt us the most: The Kitchen.

Thankfully, E fixed the oven after diagnosing the heating element problem. The failed element makes a very nice conversation starter.

And then, brother's friend T and his family came to visit brother and stayed with us this weekend (seriously, T&H's 2 children have to be the most well-behaved children I've ever encountered!).

While here, T rebuilt the plumbing for our kitchen sink (primarily from spare parts he just had lying around), explaining along the way exactly how messed-up it had been in the first place. Then, he helped us assess the future construction project.

Finally, while at the hospital visiting brother, T loaned us his truck to go pick up the flooring. In case you were wondering -- it is best not to wear a skirt while borrowing T's truck -- I had to back my back to the seat, grab the oh-shit handle, and hoist myself up with my biceps until my butt hit the seat because to step up to the floorboards would have required my foot to be above my waist...

Anyways, it was a very productive weekend. Several big items with the house were crossed off, and I for one, feel much less overwhelmed now that the kitchen has been fully re-righted. I can only hope that the house agrees.

Mas Porno Del Jardin

So... I can't help but wonder what the title above is going to do to my web analytics... (yes, I'm a data nerd.)

Anyways, here are the baked dinner and slow-roasted tomatoes we made in the gas BBQ ('cause the oven is still broken) from last week's harvest (in case you were wondering -- pepperoni, bacon, okra, tomatoes, onions, hot peppers and garlic are a fabulous combination!):



This weekend's harvest was nothing to sneeze at:



So, we decided to make tomato sauce to freeze:



You know, all the tomatoes that will fit, plus garlic, some basil, some olive oil. Boiled down for a while:



And eventually put into containers for the freezer:



Delicious (if a wee bit too acidic, if we are honest -- we will have to bear that in mind and use with carmelized onions, or some other form of sugar to cut it).

In other news, the world's slowest growing plants, the hot peppers, have finally begun to put out a decent harvest (just in time for the cold fall... we shall start earlier next year):



The top one? That's a squash pepper -- it looks like a habanero for a reason. Amazing flavor, but *very* hot. Supposedly we're supposed to leave it 'til it turns red, but even green they have great flavor and almost too much heat, so it's hard to be patient.

The long slightly wrinkled peppers? Yeah, Pimiento D'espelette -- we haven't had the patience to let a single one turn red. They are flavorful, but not very hot at all. More smokey. Complex. I like 'em. E thinks they are useful for fiber.

The jalapenos? Well, if you grow 'em in your garden, they will be hotter than the ones you buy in the store. But effort to reward ratio? It's likely that next year we'll add some other wacky peppers like the squash peppers instead of the jalapenos.

And, I think that's a wrap.

Problem Solving

As brother recuperates in the hospital, we've been working on putting together his discharge plan. In doing so, I've found myself in several conversations with mid-level medical professionals who insist that things have to go exactly according to their prescribed plan.

They have no concept of deviation from their plan that would attain the same goals as the plan but would work better for the family.

They are very good at what they do. But they are used to being omnipotent. They control the drugs, the procedures, and the resources that the patients need. When they say no, the patient has no choice. They are not encouraged to think creatively, or to seek alternate solutions, and so their world is composed of many statements that sound like "either you do this, or there is failure."

Except, a family putting together a plan to take care of a quadriplegic may not have the exact resources and situation that their discharge plan considers must be in place. We are very committed to getting his needs met, but we cannot make it work according to their standard model. Getting them to understand this has been extremely frustrating. They consider our "that's not going to work for us" statements as "we want to fail" rather than "how can we find an alternate solution?"

Before going this process, I never appreciated just how creative being a lawyer is. Every day I work, I get to listen to people who can't agree, I try to understand the end goals, the real concerns, and then I get to think and to try to help them find solutions that address each of their needs in a way that everyone can live with.

This problem solving process is very similar to how engineers solve problems. Engineers go back to the basic principles of what they are trying to achieve and then think of the myriad ways they *might* be able to achieve it. I think, prior to this hospital experience, I assumed that the problem solving skills I regularly see deployed in the business world were similar to how medical professionals solved problems as well. It appears, from observation, that doctors still follow a process that is somewhat similar to the one I use every day. But, the majority of the folks you interact with during a typical day at the hospital are not doctors. And many of them are not empowered to seek solutions that have not been pre-approved, so those folks appear to be very uncomfortable brainstorming or exploring alternate options.

In fact, many of them are actually unable to accept that something on their checklist is completely unfeasible. It is fascinating to watch. When the checklist is cut off, so is their ability to do their job. They must seek senior approval for everything, so the process grinds to a halt.

In short, this hospital experience has made me very grateful for the creative aspects of my job.

Gigantic Summer Squash Lasagna-esque Casserole

So, after discussing it with R, I found a delicious use for the huge cocozelle squash from the belated harvest (picture in the post below).

-Huge summer squash, washed and sliced into 1/2 cm strips with the skin on until the center is reached (throw out the center of seeds and dry material).
-5 large tomatoes from the garden, washed and chopped
-1 lb white mushrooms, washed and sliced
-1 lb lean ground beef (we used 90% lean)
-5 pieces of bacon, chopped
-1 white onion, chopped
-3 garlic cloves, minced
-1 C basil
-3 sprigs marjoram
-3 sprigs oregano
-1 T salt
-1 huge brick of mozzarella, sliced
-1/2 C parmigiano, grated


1. Layer the squash slices in the pan, skin side down, creating a full layer
2. Brown bacon, sautee onions and garlic, brown beef
3. Add mushrooms to meat and cook for 2 minutes
4. Add tomatoes and salt and cook down until the meat sauce is a pastey consistency
5. Layer meat sauce over the squash
6. Layer mozarella slices over the meat sauce
7. Chop herbs with parmigiano in the cuisinart and sprinkle over the top of the mozzarella layer
8. Bake at 375/400 for approximately an hour until the cheese layer has melted and browned to golden brown in places.
9. Allow to cool and serve immediately.

Delicious!

Belated Harvest

With everything that has been going on in our lives, E and I have not been paying too much attention to the garden.

But, this year, we were much more professional than in years past, so we have an irrigation system (plus it's *raining* right now, weird!).

Turns out, that even as your life is spiraling into its own random course, the garden, if properly planted, fertilized and watered, will continue to grow in your absence.

This morning, I finally had time to harvest after about 3 weeks of neglect (this was the haul minus the bag I packed up for E2, and without any okra, radishes, or cucumbers, all of which are also ripe):



Yes, I will be giving away some serious gift tomatoes at work tomorrow...

This awesome harvest is very unfortunately timed, as the heating element in our oven took the liberty of entertaining us with a very spectacular failure yesterday evening. I wish, in hindsight, that we had taken pictures, but at the time, we were watching the arc travel the filament despite the oven being turned off with E at the ready with a fire extinguisher, so the camera was nowhere near the top of our list. Bummer -- this would have been a good week to return to the slow-roasted tomatoes... And, of course, while I'd scheduled a weekend to can at the G's as they recovered from burning man, somehow that didn't make the cut due to our other obligations (duh!). So, we're stuck with entirely too many tomatoes. I suspect I'll find a way to turn this problem into a blessing. Perhaps I'll have to make and freeze sauce...

Anyways, in case you couldn't tell from the larger picture, one of the hilarious things about the garden is what happens to small-to-medium sized summer squash when left on the vine entirely too long:



Yes. That is my arm for scale.

So, the moral of the story is that a well-tended garden will just keep growing and producing in September even if you completely neglect it. No matter what else is going on in your life, the garden will grow.

I find this very comforting.

A Moment-to-Moment Existence

In times of trauma, I'm always surprised that I do not lose my ability to laugh. Instead, my sense of beauty and thrill at the good things is heightened.

Fun, and love, and happiness exist in the midst of sadness, heartbreak, and frustration. Rather than being a betrayal of life and the strength of our connections to others to recognize them, celebrating these momentary flashes of brightness and light in the midst of the darkness is, to me, the best example of the gorgeous complexity of the human existence.

The gift of difficult situations is that they give you an opportunity, if you are willing to take it, to strengthen your ability to enjoy life.

Modern Conveniences

My Brother is now at his second hospital -- in the trauma rehabilitation facility where they are working to get him in good enough shape to go to the spinal cord rehabilitation ward.

They have wireless at this hospital, too.

I must say, while being at the hospital to support loved ones is never easy, it is, actually, a bit easier to manage with access to the Internet.

I'm very thankful to the various powers that manage hospitals for implementing this convenience -- it means I can be more supportive and more physically present than I otherwise would be able to be.

An Insightful Perspective

So, for at least ten years now, I've spent some of my waking hours of each day trying to be more buddhist in my approach to life. Which, of course, is hilarious, because much of the *trying* is antithetical to the buddhist approach to life.

But, the nice thing is, over the years, through the effort of trying to be more mindful, accepting, understanding, patient, and fully alive in the moment, I've actually made some progress in these areas. And I am a bit more balanced, relaxed, and mellow.

Within the last year, however, I realized that some of these efforts had caged me in and put me in situations that were not good for me. So, I've been trying to learn how to draw boundaries in a zen-like manner, which is, for me, very, very, difficult. I'm very good at drawing boundaries in a confrontational, non-compassionate way. But compassionate boundaries? Yeah, those are hard to define.

So, I very much appreciated and agreed with Havi's latest post.

In particular, I thought this was a good explanation for the concept I've been working through:


Arriving at the point where someone’s hurtful behavior doesn’t hurt you doesn’t mean that you just let people throw shoes.

You’re totally allowed to stand up for yourself and explain to people why shoe-throwing is not cool. In fact, because you know it doesn’t have anything to do with you, you feel safe and comfortable saying, “Hey, we don’t throw shoes here.”

It’s just that at the same time, you remember that this is about their stuff, that people are allowed to think what they think, and that you don’t have to interact with the ones who are into tossing shoes around.


For a long time, I thought I had to accept the hurtful behavior and work through my issues, because obviously, if I let it hurt me, I needed to continue to work on my stuff. Which is true. But I didn't realize that true acceptance of others for who they are (without judgment or any negative feelings towards them) doesn't necessarily mean that I have to seek them out.

It's a very freeing realization and I look forward to where it leads me in my life.

Summer Remnant Bulgur

Last night, I stayed the night with my sister. I composed the leftovers (from her garden's harvests and a BBQ we'd had on Sunday) into dinner and we were both pleased with how delicious it was:

-2 large heirloom tomatoes (from her garden, getting soft, chopped)
-1/8 of the world's largest zucchini (from her garden, also starting to wilt just a wee bit, chopped)
-1/2 lb. BBQ tri-tip, chopped
-2 cubes beef boullion
-2.5 cups bulgur
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-2 T dijon mustard
-water
-olive oil

1. Heat olive oil in a sautee pan and sautee garlic and mustard for 1 minute.
2. Add bulgur and stir until coated.
3. Add tomatoes, stir and boil off a bit of the liquid.
4. Add boullion cubes, zucchini, and 2-3 cups water, bring to a simmer
5. Cook and stir until the water is almost evaporated. Add the tri-tip, stir, turn off heat and cover for 5 minutes.
6. Fluff bulgur and serve immediately.

Enjoy.

Editing Legal Contracts in Word

I'm chilling in the ICU watching brother sleep peacefully and doing some work (because the hospital has free wireless!).

Currently, I'm spending hours going through a 48 page contract that has 12 versions of edits in track changes. No one wanted to man-up and do the work to accept or reject the trail to create a clean version.

Technically, with our last call and responding document, we all agreed that it was the other side's responsibility to respond to our draft with a clean version.

Instead, their in-house counsel populated the document with oh-so-helpful comments attached to every change, like, "We accept this edit," or "We reject this edit."

Why?

Why?

Why, if you were in-house counsel, would you not just click accept or reject? Why create a comment and type it in? It was more work for them and now it's more work for me because I have to both accept or reject, AND delete the comments.

My client is not going to like the billable hours total on this project...

Don't Dive in Rivers

My brother dived off an 8-foot high pillar two Saturdays ago into the American River. The same bridge he'd been diving off his whole life. He was there with friends and their families -- many children were diving as well. A few times, like those before him (including those from much higher heights), he thought it was fun.

Then, he hit a sand bar with his head.

He broke the spinal process of C2, burst-fractured C6 with retropulsion and fractured C7.

He is currently paralyzed from the chest down and doesn't have fine motor control in his hands.

He recently kicked his first fight with pneumonia, which is likely to be one of many given the lack of enervation in his abdominal muscles (which you may recall, are sore from coughing, when you or I are sick).

He was *very* *very *very* lucky not to drown, and remembers thinking it was all over. But, he was lucky. Several of his friends dived in to fish him out and swim him to the bank when he couldn't move. On-site coast guard and army medic friends directed the log-rolling and neck-stabilization. Another friend stood on the top of his truck to get cell service to call 911. 15 guys who helped climb and pass him up the hill when the life-flight arrived and realized there was no trail to carry the backboard up the hill.

So, if you will excuse my silence, I'm busy dealing with family stuff, work stuff, and balance. You know, life stuff.

But I'll be back when I can.

I have two requests:

1. Please enjoy life when you can. Fully.

2. Please send whatever good thoughts, wishes, prayers, meditations, or whatever else you can spare.

With love and thanks,
-BT

Losing my Anonymity

So, I'm considering joining the kids.

You know, the open, non-private, freakishly free kids.

And, I'm thinking of creating a non-fake account on facebook, where I admit who I am.

And, I'm thinking of linking to this blog. So, I'm scouring the last 7 years, to make sure I'm okay with this.

AND, IF YOU ARE A PRIVATE PERSON WHO I LINK TO WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE ELIMINATED FROM MY ARCHIVES BEFORE I GO PUBLIC -- LET ME KNOW! ASAP!


Anyways -- it turns out, all I'm really doing in cleaning up my old posts is tagging old posts with labels, because I'm actually okay with everything I've posted in the months I've encountered (so far).

But one of the more interesting things I've encountered is how much my current self agrees with my past self (duh!).

And I'm pleased that my 2003 self correctly predicted that the SCO lawsuit would still be going when I graduated (and 3 years later).

Mind-Hacking

If you are looking to read something interesting on information overload -- this May Article from New York Magazine is fascinating:

“You can’t be happy all the time,” Gallagher tells me, “but you can pretty much focus all the time. That’s about as good as it gets.”

and;

Where you allow your attention to go ultimately says more about you as a human being than anything that you put in your mission statement,” he continues. “It’s an indisputable receipt for your existence. And if you allow that to be squandered by other people who are as bored as you are, it’s gonna say a lot about who you are as a person.

Interesting stuff.

Summer = Tomatoes

For me, Summer is tomatoes. Tomatoes are summer. And that's pretty much it.

So last week's harvest made me very happy, and confirmed that it was Summer, my favorite season:



And E making his mother's slow-roasted tomatoes made me even more jubilant, and reminded me that it was still Summer, still my favorite season (mmm... if only you could slow roast without the oven in the Summer...):



Gazpacho? Yet more proof of the awesomeness of Summer, and why it's my favorite season:



And Caprese? Is there anything more indicative of Summer? Seriously? Italian anything and tomatoes? That's just the essence of Summer:



And camping, this weekend? Yeah, that's Summer. But even moreso is returning to this harvest:



And, from the harvest, I was inspired to make a Summer soup. The only ingredients not from our garden? Salt, olive oil, and a red bell pepper.

Roasted Heirloom Tomato Soup

First, slice tomatoes into 1 cm steaks, and layer in a baking pan. Then, top with sliced peppers from the garden (Pimiento D'espellette and jalapenos) and garlic from the dried harvest. If you are lucky, some random genetic mutation may have happened in your garlic harvest, and you can just use *one* clove (i.e. not a head of cloves, just one). The largest clove you've ever seen:



After the garlic, add strips of a red bell pepper and sprinkle with salt and olive oil, and bake for 20 minutes at 350:



Turn and mix the tomatoes, and allow to bake for another 20-30 minutes. Puree in a blender. Serve into bowls and top with minced basil. Enjoy!

And You Thought You Had Money Problems

The allegations about the final financial shenanigans at now-defunct Heller Ehrman (a local law firm that had been around since the late 1890s) are shocking.

Many of the partners have moved on to other firms since its spectacular unraveling, but if the Bankruptcy Committee gets its way, they may be required to pay back some $106 Million in distributions made to them or on their behalf.

In terms of scale, this is nothing compared to the big banks failing. But, what's amazing to me is that partners, who ostensibly are the owners in control of (and personally liable for) a legal business, could be receiving checks in the high hundreds of thousands of dollars or even millions without any insight into the accounting of the money they are receiving.

Apparently, one of the last distributions was put on the books as a "Shareholder Loan" but when the accountants tried to notify the shareholders (partners), they were requested not to do so.

So, basically, there are probably over 100 ex-heller partners who thought they were receiving their profit share, but actually received a "loan."

Ouch.

Food and Garden Update

The plants are growing like mad -- every weekend there's work to be done to catch up -- harvesting, pruning, spraying, weeding, pulling up old plants. Our butternut squash is taking over the fence:



We've had two more great harvests since the last one:



(Chrysanthemum greens, a gift plant from Cynthia, are a tasty addition to tomato salads).



(The lame-looking cucumber is just a little dirty on a white spot -- he tasted great. The troubled tiny squash, however, yeah, he went straight to the compost.)

And, from these harvests we've made many delicious meals -- BBQ pizzas are a regular treat (no dishes!), plus tomato salads galore.

Also, C introduced us to the awesomeness that is quark by showing up with lemon quark and garlic quark.

We took the leftovers and made a delicious garlic quark squash risotto:



And here are some sliced Romano Squash to be baked with red onions on top that were marinated in olive oil and herbs:



Eventually, they were joined with baked tomatoes and a mini pizza for each of us topped with harvested goodness:



Have I mentioned how much I love the summer garden?

Random Odds and Ends

-Did anyone else notice that it rained one random morning this week? Weird.

-Apparently, El Niño is coming this year.

-E and I were out and about in the East Bay 'til 12:30 PM AM tonight/this morning -- that's got to be pushing it for the year. We stay up late. But we are never up late *away* from home. We're much too violently uncool for *that*.

-I ran intervals on the treadmill at a sub-7-minute-mile pace for the first time in at least a year this week. Woo hoo!

-I get to work quite a bit this weekend. It would appear that I am, in fact, despite the economy's best efforts, an overworked lawyer.

Some Beautiful Goals

I haven't trained for a race in a long time. My runs have ranged between 12 - 30 miles per week, and I ran a leisurely, not really trained half in April, but really, the last race I *trained* for was the San Francisco Marathon, over a year ago. [Update: I actually forgot about the Forest of Nicene Marks Half I ran with E2 in June, but I think that makes my point about how seriously I've been training...]

So, to counteract that, I've registered for two local, gorgeous fall races with the hopes of actually getting back into training:

My favorite local fall half marathon (that I haven't missed in well over 4 or 5 years now)

and

The Big Sur Half -- which has been on my todo list for quite some time.

Here's to hoping that the long term goals will help me find some short term focus (something that has been lacking...)

And, if I'm doing really well, I just may dig deep and find it within myself to register for the Atlanta Marathon (and if not, definitely the half).

More Garden Porn

Today, a mere three (3!) days after my last garden post, we're thrilled to brag about our harvest. In fact, we're even proud of everything that is not tomato-related, which is impressive, since we're like 70% tomato-focused. Regardless, this is what I harvested from the non-tomato plants today, and I couldn't help but think...yummm!



Altogether, however, our tomato-based harvest outweighs the rest:



Let's celebrate the squash (the striped green and the yellow), the misshapen red onion (ahhh... the adorable foibles of the un-knowledgeable gardner) and its perfect small red onion companion (planted by a more knowledeable gardner 1-2 seasons later...), the garlic, the okra (seriously, you are missing out if you don't have okra in your life), the eggplant (hell yeah!), the cucumber, and of course, after all of this, we'll get to the tomatoes.

First: Our cherry and small size tomato harvest has begun to reach epic proportions. I dare you to declare otherwise:



Second: Our larger slicing tomato selection has started to become educational:



In order, starting at the top left, we have:

- 2 stiletz tomatoes (why? why did I grow these? I have plenty of sun and heat?); followed by
- 1 brandywine red lantis (so sweet. Smaller than expected, but we may save seeds and grow again, nonetheless).
- 1 thessoloniki waiting for full ripeness. If I can, I'll post photos of the slices.
- Next row: 1 super marzano (paste); 1 marvel stripe (gorgeous when sliced, can't wait), 2 orange russian 117 (oxheart/pear-shaped!!! woo-hoo!); 1 white oxheart.
- Last row: 2 black krim (purple black); 2 black from tula (lighter brown-black); 2 Paul Robeson (full chocolate black)

Finally, I am disturbed by the beauty of red current -- it produces much teensy tiny, impossible to harvest, frustrating fruit. Delicious, but annoying fruit that refuses to ripen on the same schedule and each one is entirely too small to deal with. And yet, how gorgeous is she?

Tomato Time is Coming!

We aren't at full production, but we're definitely seeing ripe fruit on at least half of the varieties. Today's harvest was impressive:



It inspired me to make an all-tomato lunch. E and I each had the pleasure of tasting and comparing large slices from several beauties:



In clockwise order, that's White Oxheart, Thessoloniki, Ananas Noir, Kentucky Beefsteak, Brandywine Red Lantis, Green Zebra, and Black Krim. All delicious. E's favorite for taste was Thessoloniki, then Brandywine Red Lantis, then White Oxheart. I couldn't decide between White Oxheart, Ananas Noir, or Black Krim for overall taste, but truly, they are all excellent, it just depends on what you want (more/less acidity, more/less gel sacs, seeds, or meat, more/less sugar).

This year, Cynthia introduced me to the awesomeness that is oxheart tomatoes -- pointed on the end and shaped more like a bell pepper, often with whispy droopy foliage. Thanks to her glowing reviews, we're growing several: White Oxheart, Orange Russian 117, Sweet Horizon, and Japanese Black Trifele.

So far, White Oxheart is the only plant that has ripe fruit:



What a pleasure -- the fruit production is prolific, and they are slightly sweet with medium acid. The best part, though, is that while they are the size of a beefsteak, they have the consistency of a paste tomato (lots of meat, little seeds). In other words, we look forward to roasting these, slicing them for sandwiches (won't make the bread soggy!), and eating 'em easily with a knife and fork all summer -- if there are too many at the end, they'll make great fried green tomatoes and sauces.

Niece-week lessons

1. If you can get the kid interested in the habit -- it'll happen. Turns out, my niece loves yoga. And waking her up isn't too much fun. The first few minutes in the morning, she is groggy, tired, whiny, etc. So, when I suggested we do yoga every morning, and she thought this was a great idea, I was thrilled. 10 minutes of physical activity does wonders towards killing the groggy, tired & whiny.

End result? I've done more Sun Salutations this week than I have since last winter holidays, when I was *on vacation* and headed to the yoga studio every day. No way would I have had the focus and dedication to do sun salutations every morning, especially the mornings after I'd already ran and we were pressed for time. But, if the kid wants to do up-dog, down-dog, plank, warrior 1, breathing, etc. before sugar cereals in milk (because, hello, I'm one of the cool aunts. I get to provide the sugar cereal treats!) -- then by all means, we're doing it.

2. I work more than I realize. This week, I finally realized that on an average week night, I send 5 emails between the hours of 7:00 and midnight when I think of myself as *not working.* It's too easy -- go to bathroom, check the email (both personal and work), write a quick response. Spend time surfing and if something comes in (either personal or work), write a quick response. Also, I've learned that regardless of what's going on, I explicitly check work email at least once before sleep and, usually, I end up scheduling at least one call to discuss the emergencies that have arisen and need to be dealt with the next day.

This week, with a child, I'm truly not working *for reals* for many of the hours between 7:00 and midnight. Not even the little bit that I didn't used to count. So those emails don't go out. And I'm less responsive. Clients are less happy. The next day is more stressful. In other words, if I were to have a child (which I'm not planning to do), areas where I don't even think of myself as productive would suffer. And I probably wouldn't be able to predict how it would affect me, because I wouldn't even notice I was productive in those areas until they were gone.

3. The entertainment value of a child changes the work-reward analysis. I found that it was much easier to get over my bad/boring/frustrating days at work this week because I came home to someone with an inquisitive mind with happy stories to tell full of wonder, questioning, and just general good will. She really caused me to think and question my viewpoint on a regular basis. It was so rewarding that, I understood, in a very clear way, how, if I had a (couple of) kid(s), I could choose a job or career options that are less fascinating, challenging or rewarding in exchange for more financial, temporal, or location stability because the kid(s) would be providing much of the emotional and mental stimulation that I needed.

I think that covers the big ones.

Bar Exam Takers: Now is the time to Breathe

Just breathe between now and the end of the exam.

I found it helpful to read everything I could about people's actual experience taking the exam to prepare myself for the experience, so if you're interested in doing the same, the link to all my posts is here.

Getting Out

I've got two close friends who are currently struggling through divorces, a friend who is in the middle of leaving his partner of 10 years, and my brother who has been dealing with the acceptance of his role as a father in the face of his daughter's mother's new love and their baby, his daughter's half-sister (and he's handling it beautifully--I'm so proud!).

When I talk to these folks, their experiences make it clear that it is always difficult to extricate yourself from close relationships, and that the difficulties are both public and private.

My mom walked away from a few relationships that were bad for her during my life. Watching it happen, I'm certain I learned some very important lessons about standing up for myself. And yet, when it comes up, I get the sense that she may be embarrassed that she didn't leave as early as she wishes she would have, or that she wishes she hadn't gotten involved at all. I can't help but wonder if we all don't feel this way about some of the relationships in our lives?

Also, I recently found myself at a party where I learned from the mother of a close family friend (but an acquaintance of mine) that he was getting divorced too. Weird, right? To learn intimate relationship details about someone you have spoken to on a monthly basis, when he hasn't mentioned anything? To realize your last, "say hi to the wife" adieu when you hung up the most recent call was probably horrific to him, since at the time she'd moved out, was living with her parents several states away, and he was dating again?

All of these people taking formal steps to exit and/or formally modify the public treatment of their relationships result in quite a bit of pain and awkwardness, not just for themselves, but for others who thought they understood the nature of their relationship too.

When I imagine if E was to take these types of actions towards me or vice versa, it is very painful. But, when I can back up from the empathetic pain, it's also been very inspiring. The courage to make those choices is not easy to come by and I'm proud of each of these people for finally making the difficult decisions (and dealing with the necessarily awkward explanations) so that they can redirect the course of their lives.

One of the things that is healthy about *not* being in a committed monogamous sexual relationship is that life is fluid. When you are trying on potential life-partners for size, you are constantly re-evaluating the healthiness of your most committed physical/emotional relationship(s), and thus, at least for me, I think it was easier to evaluate every other relationship as well. But, once a person commits to the largest emotional relationship in their life and, potentially, children that are supported by that relationship, most people probably let up on the constant relationship re-evaluation (which is a good thing).

The tricky thing is -- if you are in this situation, many of the other relationships in your life are not committed at the same level and probably should continually be reevaluated. Some will naturally evolve and dissolve. But some may actually need you to take some sort of action to force the evolution or dissolution.

So, for me, Penelope's most recent post was perfectly timed.

Before taking multiple gasps of Holy Shit! while reading it, I'd been having floating thoughts about getting out of or putting space into relationships and how it seems to be something that is happening to many people in my life (myself included), but I had no cohesive idea of my current belief system.

I knew it was important to know when to get out of unhealthy relationships. I knew it was important to be able to draw your own lines to try to heal an unhealthy relationship. I knew that you were never really in a relationship unless you were actually in it, and thus, you couldn't really ever say, fully, whether someone else needed out of theirs.

But, I also knew that after a while, if its been unhealthy for some time, outsiders see enough that they can often make observations and judgment calls about the relationship that turn out to be right more often than not.

For me, today's lesson, is that sometimes people (like me) are so tied up in the image of who they want to convey themselves as, or how they don't want to inconvenience, embarrass, confuse, or make others feel awkward, that they perpetuate relationships, or the facade of relationships, long after the relationships are probably best abandoned. And, further, that when people are in the "perpetuate for the sake of perpetuation mode", it can be very clear to outsiders that the relationship is most likely very unhealthy.

So, in my ever-changing quest to become a more present person, I'm going to try to pay more attention to the day-to-day *reality* of my relationships as opposed to my ideal of what they have been, or, could, should, or would be.

A lesson in communication

Why didn't you tell me I was signed up for Day Care?

Uhhh... (Oh, shit. I didn't tell her that, explicitly. I told her she was going to day camp. I told her I'd pick her up at 5 PM. But camp ends at 3:30 PM, and there was extended care for which I'd signed her up. And I hadn't told her.)

I'm sorry. I should have told you that. You were probably very confused.

Yes. I waited a long time for you to come pick me up. Even though they told me I was on the list. I thought they must be wrong because you didn't tell me I had day care.

Man. If she were an adult, I'd probably be thinking about the many things I did that *hinted* that she had day care. The reasons she should have figured it out because, you know, I have a job during work hours, and she was on the list, and I said I'd pick her up at 5 PM, and, I'm sure I'd come up with more.

But she's a child. And my first response was to accept my errors, apologize for anything and everything I could explain, and to empathize.

I would like to have this response to adults as well. I think it would greatly increase my quality of life.

Interestingly enough, this response is exactly what I should be trying to do in all areas of my life according to the content of the cheesiest book title ever (Nonviolent Communication? Yeah, there's cheesy poetry in it, too. I read it in Alaska, and at times, I couldn't help but think the author was deliberately trying to incite a force-yourself-to-learn-from-your-ridiculousness response from the types of people who need this book (like me)).

Anyways. Today was instructive. I'd like to be able to listen through people's questioning of my performance and be able to hear the confusion, hurt, and sadness that was so obvious in my niece's voice today. Hearing it made me respond in such a positive manner. Clearly, I need to *listen*.

Psuedo-Parent Week

We've got my niece all of this week. She is a bouncing 7 1/2 year-old ball of energy.

Quick.

Opinionated.

Exhausting.

But so adorable.

Today's Lessons:

1. 30 minutes in the grocery store with a 7 1/2 year-old is about 3-times as expensive and 5-times more tiring than the same 30 minutes on my own.

2. It takes about 2 hours to finish all of the tasks related to "going to bed."

It's Dark Here!

I got up this morning when my alarm went off at 6:30 anticipating a lovely morning run.

Instead, I looked outside and it appeared to be more of dusk than morning.

Grumpy, I woke E, pointed to the window and said, "It's dark here." He grunted and rolled over.

I stumbled into the kitchen and stood there contemplating making coffee, which I don't ordinarily need to do before my short runs.

But, this was my first AM run since the AM runs in Alaska. So, I guess it would make sense that I'd recognize the decrease in light.

And then I looked at the clock on the oven.

5:30 AM.

My foggy morning brain slowly processed the implications, ahhh... that's why it's so dark. Looks like I managed to set my clock ahead by one hour while setting my alarm last night.

So, I went back to sleep and enjoyed another 3 hours before waking up to the bright blue sky.

No AM run today. But at least I know it'll be less dark when I do find the motivation to head out in the morning next time.

(Travel) Lessons from Alaska

For the Alaska trip, I did all of my usual maneuvering to whittle the final price-tag down. I watched flight fares and waited 'til I saw what I thought was a good deal, confirmed with Arvay and we jumped. Also, I learned long ago that the true value in travel miles comes via the combination of AAA + hotel reward programs (in the form of infinitely cancelable room bookings and reward stays). On this trip, Hilton Honors treated us exceptionally well, as I initially booked in April but completely re-booked all Hilton-affiliated hotel reservations (they control about 5 brands) when prices went down and bonus miles went up in June.

At more remote locations, we booked the cheapest rooms we could find at independent hotels (Pike's Waterfront Lodge and economy cabins at the Salmon Bake -- both highly recommended). I assumed we'd wait 'til arrival to see if we could (or wanted to) do any better. This is a great travel trick -- the gamble is that you may end up with the cheapest parking-lot-view room and a shared bathroom or something else along those lines. But hey, if you are willing to take the cheapest offering and pocket the savings if the upgrades aren't at a price you like, then it works just fine. In this case, we hit the jackpot at our first hotel -- the only upgrade available was the nicest cabin suite on the property. It was ours for less than half of the rack rate and we spent many hours enjoying the views of the Chena from our rocking chairs on the porch.

Although my usual approaches worked well in some cases, Alaska, like any foreign place, had a few surprises in store for me, including some on the travel front.

For one, Internet booking is not always the best way to go in Alaska. The Alaska Railroad site claimed they only had first class seats available for the dates we wanted. I called to confirm and was shocked to find that Alaska is still a location where a human on the phone can do much better (at least with securing coach rates -- the tickets were in the wrong names, but we figured it out at the terminal).

The one organized tour we did (Glaciers are cool, hee hee!), we booked on-line. I never received a confirmation so I called the night prior. Turns out, they had us down for September, a different tour, a different price, without the meal, and with no train transport included. The reservation could not have been more incorrect, but the pleasant surprise was that at 7 PM the night before, I got a human on the phone who happily fixed it for us (and didn't seem shocked that the Internet booking engine had failed in such a spectacular manner).

The last morning, I thought Alaska might be the most civilized place in the world when I called to ask for a late check-out from our final hotel room and got 3 PM. Ordinarily, I'm thankful to get a minute beyond 1 PM.

Basically, for the majority of my Alaskan travel experiences, I found folks to be extremely capable, flexible, and unflappable. After seeing how things work, I have to attribute some portion of this to the do-it-yourself mentality and unpredictability of power, water, wildlife and just life in general on the frontier.

Execute at the highest possible level when things are working, and when they aren't... do your best to find a way to fix it (ideally in a way that doesn't inconvenience others), and if you can't do that, apologize, explain, and then wait it out 'til it is fixed with a good attitude (if all else fails tell frontier stories about how difficult life can be and how this particular failure isn't actually so bad).

Even our Alaska Airlines pilot seemed to embrace this philosophy--on our flight up it was a gorgeous clear day -- so he slowed the plane, angled to allow us to view the glaciers and Denali park and narrated a historical tour of Mt. Foraker and Mt. McKinley for us as we flew by before speeding back up to get us to our destination on time.

The only exception to this general theme occurred on our last day. We planned to enjoy a leisurely morning before the 3 PM checkout, then early luggage check, subsequent viewing of some Anchorage sights and a long evening at the airport before our 1:45 AM flight.

But, when we tried to check in, we found there is a very strict window to check our bags, and anything before 4 hours prior to take-off does not cut it. This 3h20 minute window of availability is a strict absolute for Alaska Airlines. In fairness, this may have been a rule in the U.S. for quite some time now, and it may be a lesson I needed to learn. I'm not sure I've ever tried to check luggage at a U.S. airport for a domestic flight more than 3 hours prior to my flight.

But, in Alaska, the rules are often different. For example, there are no building codes in Fairbanks. People build and live in whatever they decide suits their needs. I used two outhouses and was fed a King Crab leg dinner from the kitchen of a log cabin built to resemble the inside of a ship (that had no running water).

We were in the state for less than 2 weeks and we were on one train that lost electricity, resulting in a trip that was 50% longer than it should have been due to running solely off the generator. At one point, we saw all traffic on Alaska highway 3 stop for a bear. And, of course there's the combined rail/auto one-lane tunnel in Whittier, where you have a 25% chance of hitting it when your traffic type and direction have the green. These experiences, combined with stories from locals, make me think you'd need to build a bigger cushion of time in Alaska than in other locations if you wanted to be sure you wouldn't miss your flight.

So, even if the 3h20 window makes sense in other regions, I think it probably doesn't make too much sense in Alaska. Especially in the Winter!

Of course, I should probably quit my whining -- it's Summer. And we didn't have any of the Alaskan excuses putting us at the airport before our flight. We were just ready to head home and we'd exhausted the sights we could see during the traditional work-day open-hours (the bush flight museum closed at 5 PM before we were able to visit...Drat!).

So, we found ourselves stuck at Ted Stevens International at 8:45 PM, outside the secure area with all of our bags, with the choice of spending $6/bag to check them with baggage hold for the privilege of going through security once to enjoy the *amenities* and then again after we checked them. Or we could just wait in the baggage check area. I don't care that they had a big stuffed bear in the glass case while we sat there. This strict rule, to me, just didn't seem very Alaskan.

But other than that, we loved almost every minute and we can't wait to go back. The nature is too big and beautiful to accurately capture in words. The people are fascinatingly diverse -- the majority have chosen to move from somewhere else in the world (we met people from 4 continents and countless U.S. states, all living away from the people and family they left behind). This ecclectic mix of folks blends with those who grew up there to form a group of very different people sharing one thing that is bigger than anything else in each of their everyday lives -- the natural forces of Alaska. Many of the people I met had previously lived impressive urban-based lives, and then each for their own reason, they'd chosen to move to Alaska for a life filled with beauty and adventure but devoid of most of the creature comforts that I (and most of my contemporaries) take for granted.

Alaska is truly Amazing.

A brush with fame

Through random life connections, I grew up sharing many of my childhood swim lessons, fishing trips, camping outings, and just general childhood shennanigans with Kate Levering.

She's ridiculously talented (how many people do you know who've been nominated for a Tony?) and back on the small screen again, this time in a lifetime series called Drop Dead Diva.

If you are looking for a new show to get hooked on, might I suggest that you give this one a try?

A Sample of the North to the Future

(Yes, "North to the Future" is the Alaska State Motto. Weird.)

It's 1:25 AM and it's slightly grey out here, in Anchorage, E just turned on the lights by the bed. We're getting ready to wrap up our wonderful trip (Yay free wireless at our final hotel!) and I'm certain pictures will speak much more efficiently than I ever could. So here you go:

Mt. McKinley (aka Denali) from our plane:



The municipal airport in Fairbanks:



The cars we road upon while guests of the ridiculously civilized Alaska railroad:



One of many views from the Alaska railroad:



One of many views from various trails within Denali National Park:



The truly mammoth tomato operation at Ann's greenhouses:



The Alaska Pipeline:

On Being You

For much of my life, I was weird. Really weird. Like, I didn't fit, and boy, did I know it.

People let me know it. And not just a little bit. Often, it was so clear to me that there was no point in trying to fit in. So I embraced who I was and defiantly approached the world with, "what the fuck?" Those times in my life were very liberating, and occasionally, I miss them.

Of course, for the most part, I went along to go along.

The thing is, recently, I've been spending quite a bit of time thinking about who I really want to be, and how to be that person.

Turns out, the person I truly want to be doesn't look that weird on any scale. She's not exceptional. But she also doesn't want to try to be normal, and she doesn't care if you think she's different. The person I want to be doesn't need to prove anything by trying to look smart, athletic, etc., and so she doesn't try to avoid looking normal, dumb, or uninteresting (this, in particular, if I am honest with myself is an area where I am too far from the person I want to be).

The person I want to be looks good to me. She is comfortable with the idea that she may be admirable or impressive to you ('cause she is to me) but she also realizes you may not value anything she values and you may find her completely and totally misguided, lost, or even unremarkably sub-par.

I've been spending quite a bit of time in the last year thinking about the person I want to be and how to get myself closer to being that person.

So I've been paying attention to the times when I find myself closest to the person I want to be and I've been taking notes. I'm shocked to find that for all of the careful thought I've put into this endeavor, the thing that's most important appears to be the element of chance.

If I am honest, sometimes, my flaws are my strengths and my strengths are my flaws -- and I need to learn the lessons these unexpected flip-flops teach me while still admitting that my strengths will probably always be my strengths.

Sometimes, my mistakes are the best things I do and the calculated well-thought-out actions are those I regret the most -- and I need to learn to let go where I hold tight and to hold a little tighter where I let go -- because that is how I bring more randomness into my life and if DNA can teach us anything it's that randomness breeds awesome.