September 14, 2003

California at its best--I couldn't make this stuff up

I took the liberty of extracting the best lines from the California Statewide Special Election Pamphlet.

Arnold says nothing, neither does Gary Coleman.

Michael Cheli (Independent): My first task as Governor will be to reduce my own salary by 10%. (why do I think the govenernor's salary minus 10% is probably a huge raise for this guy?

D. Clements (The Ayn Rand Platform): I'm a long-shot candidate but like the horse Seabiscuit sometimes the long-shot can win. (I preserved his comma-less prose in its original form for effect...)

Warren Farrell (The Men Are Subjugated Platform): (paraphrased) Read my books. I'm a thought leader. Men have fallen from greatness. Somehow it's related to the budget crisis.

Larry Flynt (Democratic Party): California is the most progressive state in the union and I'm sure its citizens would welcome having a smut peddler who cares as their Governor.

Gene Forte (Republican Party): I am the AttorneyBuster, president/founder of (I don't know if the AttorneyBuster has quite the same ring as the Terminator, but you can't fault him for trying...)

Gerald Lee Gormon (Democratic Party): (paraphrased) I'm your typical dot-com unemployed techie type. Somehow, I'm qualified...

Rich Gosse (Republic Party): Single adults are the Rodney Dangerfields of our society. They "can't get no respect." (???? Is it just me or do they get better tax breaks than married couples?)

Arianna Huffington (Independent): Corporate fat cats get away with paying less than their fair share of taxes (Oh, wait, so do I)

Trek Thunder Kelly (Independent): Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. (Wow!)

Leonard Padilla (Independent): As a professional bounty hunter for 28 years, I have had to make critical and unimaginable decisions... (Ummm....)

Charles "Chuck" Pineda Jr (Democratic Party): I continue to advocate: a 32 hour work week to deal with traffic congestion and employee productivity. (I like this plan too, but I'm not certain it helps the current budget crisis...)

Darin Price (Natural Law Party): The solution is always creativity (Look at the shiny things. Aren't they pretty. No problems over here. We creatively arted them away. With Unicorns!)

Bryan Quinn (Republican Party): Bankruptcy--use the courts to break up special interest groups & restore fiscal responsibility. (Huh???)

Kevin Richter (Republican Party): I breathe.

Kurt E. "Tachikaze" Rightmyer (Independent): As the leading middleweight of the 2003 California State Sumo Series and a serious, well-educated, nonpartisan candidate for governor, I will attack the 800-lb gorilla of big government... (I'd like to see that.)

Ned Roscoe (Libertarian): I am optimistic, with the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. (Repeat after me California, you're smart, you're attractive, and gosh darn it, people like you!)

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